For those of you paying attention, you’ll have noticed that I didn’t completely address my friend Steve’s suggested topic in my last post. For those that did, very good, yay you. Now put your hand down and give someone else in the class a chance to answer. For those that didn’t: well, now, why don’t you just go right back to that post and catch up with the rest of the class? We’ll wait.
No hurry…
Any time now…
Good? Good.
So, just to level everyone up, the original prompt was, “The benefits of longstanding friendships, and how to keep those friendships over time and distance–and through a rough patch too.” “Well, now, what are those benefits that you didn’t even hint at last time, Mahoney?” I hear you asking your screen. Two things to note here: firstly, your screen can’t really answer that question, now can it? And secondly, read on!*
Benefit #1: You can count on me!
I count myself extraordinarily lucky. I have friends I keep in (irregular) touch with dating back to my freshman year of high school – this, despite being an Army brat who attended 6 schools in 7 years up to that point. While I had always made friends quickly, until my high school years I’d never had lasting, important, deep friendships. But these friendships are with friends that can ask me for virtually anything. If Mike McDonell* were to call me at 3:48 AM tomorrow and say to me, “MAHONEY! I need $322 in $2 bills, a case of Pepperidge Farm Parmesan Cheese Goldfish, a six-pack of National Bohemian*, and a 1974 Ford Pinto Country Squire, and you need to meet me in 45 minutes at the corner of Florida and North Capitol!”* my only response would be, “What color Pinto?”. Having longstanding friendships can mean not only someone has your back (maybe despite what they know about you!), but also that someone knows you have theirs, too. It’s the psychological equivalent of Linus’ security blanket.*
Benefit #2: I can count on you!
When I look closely at my longest friendships, an identical thread runs through those fabrics* – history. Which is, yes, kind of “le Duh!” obvious – but wait! With that history comes perspective, and that perspective can be invaluable. Regular readers know I’ve recently joined a new team, one I cannot tell you how excited and proud I am to be a part of. But the transition from one engagement to the next can be fraught with doubts, second thoughts, third doubts and fourth thought about the second thoughts and third doubts. The spiral down can be fast, deep, and dark. Friends-with-Tenure* can help you see the path you have been on, and the path ahead by future of being detached from the immediate while deeply understanding the whole person.*
Benefit #3: They know, you know?
This, perhaps, can be both a blessing and a curse. The shared history, experiences, stories bring a level of comfort, shorthand, and easy familiarity that can be more welcome than a hot chocolate in February. And the good times are better for that. Perhaps* more importantly, the bad times aren’t quite so. I firmly believe Spider Robinson was right when he has a character in his novel Callahan’s Con restate a familiar sentiment: “Shared pain is lessened. Shared joy is increased. Thus we refute entropy.”
Benefit #4: Laissez les bons temps rouler!
At least , one hopes the good time roll on. But when they don’t, even though we may love our family like family, those friends who have been with you for the long ride can often be just what the doctor should have ordered. They can listen and support without some of emotional and psychological weight that often exists in familial relationships. While some of us agreed to, “… in sickness and in health,” when committing to our significant others, longstanding friendships handle the downs at least as well as the ups.
These are, as per usual, only barely diving into the benefits of longstanding friendships. They are often few in number and countless in impact. What do you see as beneficial?
Thirdly: yes, I know what with Siri and Google and Alexa most of our screens are passively, and often actively without prompting, listening. But that kind of statement is best noted way down here in a footnote, now isn’t it?
* I first met Mike in 1986. We last spoke to one another in-person in 2015 (maybe?).
* I live in Culpeper. The intersection of Florida and North Capitol is in Washington, D.C.. I’d easily make it.
* If you know, you know
* What? I just watched “A Charlie Brown Christmas”, gimme a break!
* You were expecting Friends-with-Benefits, weren’t you?
* If you remember to ask, and stay open to their insights. Which, as my very dear friend Al recently reminded me, I’ve not always been. Do as I say, kiddies!
* I’m perhapsing a lot today. Sorry